Interesting Secret...

This makes me smile and cringe at the same time. I love the support, but is it worth the punishment if discovered? Who would I be to stop the words of one person, when all I would want is to be heard....

Quick background in case you aren't sure of what this is... It is a project called PostSecret. Random people send in anonymous postcards to a specific address with their deepest secrets on them. No one ever knows who they are and they cannot be discovered. There are four books out there compiled of thousands of secrets that people have sent in. Some of the secrets are very interesting.... this is one of the many....

Just one of those things I guess... Would love to hear what the thoughts out there are!

Horses...

My beautiful babe and I decided that we were going to go up north to her home this weekend to go horseback riding. Her family has three horses that we take out to go riding as often as we can. I'm proud to say that the horse that I consistently ride, and I, have formed a good bond. I think we are getting more and more comfortable with each other which makes for a much more pleasant ride.

It was a gorgeous day out! Probably close to one of the last awesome days of the year. Not too cold, not too warm, just beautiful.

My ride was good. Hers wasn't. She was fighting with her horse quite a bit throughout the entire ride. Her horse is beautiful, and she has been riding him for years, however, he is very stubborn and testy. For whatever reason, this ride was worse than usual. We came to the conclusion that it was mostly likely because we had to leave the 3rd horse behind. We get through the ride, are close to home and there is an open field that we always gallop in right before the gait to the field that the horses stay in.

You remember how I said my ride was good... well it was, until the end! So we start galloping and I can feel almost right away that something isn't quite right, the balance isn't there. I was tipping to the right side of the saddle. It was one of those things where you know what is going to happen, so you either fight it or face the fact! I just faced it. I decided I needed to let go or who knows how things would have ended up. So I let go. Definitely not one of the 10 best feelings I have felt in my life. I don't really remember rolling or anything like that (even though my baby said it was the best tuck and roll she's ever seen...) I just remember hitting... hard...

So after catching my breath, slowing picking myself out of the field, and finding my shoe which had fallen off in the process, I turn around to hear my baby yelling for me while crawling on the ground also. I wave some people on who were running towards us to make sure we were okay, we were at that point, and trying to get myself together to get over to her. I will mention at this point that I have never seen so many people in that field, ever, since we have been riding around there... they were coming out of the woodwork to make sure we were okay! It was a nice surprise to see so many caring people. Anyway, finally I am able to gather myself and my horse and head over to her to make sure she is okay. She couldn't quite remember what had happened and she was definitely in more pain than I. Shortly after the fall and swearing uncontrollably at her horse who had left her behind on the ground (a horse who isn't sassy wouldn't do that, which is why mine stayed behind for me), she started getting really upset because she couldn't remember what had happened. I put her in the car and proceeded to take all the gear off the horses and get them into their gaited field. By the time I got back to the car, she was almost in tears because she couldn't remember what was going on. I finally came to the conclusion that my baby had a concussion.

We got back to her home, only a few miles away from where the horses are kept, found her parents who came out to help, and then she started to display the more common symptoms associated with a concussion. She got sick, started getting very tired, and had a horrible head ache. After about an hour, things started coming back to her about what had happened. Apparently her sassy horse was so happy to finally be back by his brother, that he decided to gun it towards the fence to his home. My doll saw that I was falling and tried to pull back on her horse to come help me, or to "save me" in her words, :-) , and her horse ended up bucking her off in the middle of a full gallop. Not so fun. Prior to her fall, she was able to turn around to see my oh-so-graceful tuck and roll (I'm so sure!!!) right before she fell and recieved a swift shot to the head by her horses leg.

Well, it is Sunday now. We are home in our own bed, and both as sore as a person can possibly be at any one time. Both with pounding head aches, hers a little more significant than mine with several other symptoms, but we are able to laugh and giggle about the situation and be frustrated at the same time without completely understanding what happened. She has said that if she didn't get hurt so bad, she would have been up on the horse right away the next day to prove to him that he can't get away with something like that. A true rider I guess. Me... well I can wait until next spring to get my balance figured out while in the middle of a gallop!

:-)

It's Official!!

Okay... so maybe it isn't quite official, but I am definitely putting it out there that it is time to do something about my weight.

I know we are pretty tight on money right now, but my doll and I definitely need to get to a gym to do something about how we are growing. With this thought in mind, I decided to make a go for it. I called and spoke to management at the gym I already have a membership with (a membership that I rarely use...) to see what the rates are and if it is possible to get a membership together as a couple. Well it wasn't hard at all to get that figured out, so there we are, 5pm tonight, signing her up as an add-on to my membership! It was only $25 more to add her, so that is fantastic! Very good deal for a big name, country wide, gym membership.

So, first step, after she gets done with class tonight, we are going to do this, and do it together. It is our first day. I actually feel good knowing that I have someone who is going to be by my side with me. I know that our body types are nothing alike, and we don't have the same goals, but that isn't the point. The point is that we both are going to do this. And I'm happy enough with that in mind!

WISH ME (US) LUCK!!!

P.S. If anyone has any tips to throw out along the way, they are very welcomed!

One Dance To Rule Them All!

So the babe and I went to a family wedding yesterday... Now I've done things before with her family (which is huge by the way - not to mention, out of the norm in the way of gossiping, so you can imagine the downfall that we got the first few times we did things together that involved family) random gatherings, a holiday last year, things like that. Obviously, a wedding far exceeds the number of attendants that might be at a family holiday gathering, but nothing challenging for me. I'm definitely a people person. I don't have a problem what-so-ever getting out there and chatting it up with a group of people that I have never met before. So I hear wedding, and I think fun!

We had a relaxing morning, took our time getting ready... I even ironed the clothes that we were going to wear that night, so by the time we were heading out the door, we looked pretty great if I do say so myself!

We get to the reception hall, and I can feel eyes already. You have to remember, we are talking small town Wisconsin here... Not that many "out" couples you find walking around at wedding receptions together. So anyway, I don't mind the eyes, and neither does she, so we walk in with no care in the world, other than each other and the activities that will come out of looking great, eating good food, drinking free alcohol, and getting home to have our own fun! :-) We find a huge crew of her immediate family who we spend the most of the night with from that point on. Her family is really cool with our relationship, so we have no worries in their company. I mean, it would be stupid to not think that they don't talk a little bit when we aren't there, but they are nothing but respectful and loving when with us, and surprisingly enough, up to this point, we haven't heard any backlash from family members that others are talking about us. Pretty good news I guess!

It does have to be said, that we both like to push the button a little bit when it comes to people staring at us, mostly those who aren't family. However, if we see any looks headed in our direction, we definitely make a point to give each other a few smooches just to help people understand that what they are looking at is definitely what they see! :-) I know this is kind of bad... but we enjoy teasing people a little bit! So, great coversation starts up (of course including a substantial amount of gossip towards those who aren't present at the function - we try to stay out of these conversations in order to remain in good standing with the family, the last thing we need is pissed off family at us), good food is served, and eventually some decent music starts up.

After a few hours of mingling and watching some dancing the end of the night is rapidly approaching, and my baby is getting lots of crap for not being out on the dance floor. Apparently she was a staple on the dance floor, prior to me, in her younger days. All I have known from her is complete avoidance of even the word "dance." Anyway, a little cousin got her out on the dance floor and I took that prime opportunity to take a great picture. A couple other cousins got me out on the floor for a few songs (I love to dance by the way...), so I think we were both feeling it when a classic 80's Hair Band ballad comes on. "Love of a Lifetime" by Firehouse. Now I have always loved this song, as I am a solid fan of the 80's Hair Bands. Unexpectedly, she turns to me and says, "Lets dance, baby." I was so surprised that I didn't even know how to respond. So obviously I said yes to take the opportunity. It was just one of those really cool moments... Unexpected and awesome. I think she has only ever danced with me once in the safe privacy of our apartment when unpacking after we had just moved in!

So whats going through my head, outside of some serious happiness and not being able to pull the smile from my face... "Wow... this is one of my first real 'out' moments." I then take a quick look around the room to find out exactly how many people are peeking at our/my big moment. I was surprised to only see a little more than a handful of people were looking at the sweet lesbian action that was taking place on that small dance floor. What pleased me so much about that moment is that there were more people in that crowd that really didn't give a shit, and if they did, then they respected us and our moment. Even the bride shot us a little smile....

At least something...

So... Unfortunately our little girl decided that she wanted to chew up the power cord for the laptop. Because of that, and because the laptop was used until it powered down and was dead, now we can't even turn it on, and don't have a way to plug it in and charge it... :-(

Obviously this has proven difficult as far as getting online and being able to use the computer. Thankfully, I still have my desktop which I bought for college about 6 years ago that has been sitting in the closet since we moved! Because of this little problem we ran into, I decided it was time to pull "gramma" out of the closet, plug her in, and get a little more use out of her! Thankfully it is a good computer, and it will definitely work until we get the power cord back.

2 things in the immediate present that I'm thankful for:

• extras of things that you never thought you would need extras for
• patience for things that you would like immediately, but it just isn't going to happen

So after the bad week at work... no portable computer... no money... and whatever else that might be bothering me... I feel surprisingly in a good mood about the fact that the weekend is here and because of the warm feeling I have right now from using my old computer that got me through so many things over the course of the last 6 years. Weird, corny, warm, and good all at the same time!

Feels like it will be a good weekend! :-)

Long Week!

So I think I agree with the gamut of everyone else and all of the other blogs I have been reading... It has been a long week!

My week ends with a very bittersweet Pay Day! Pay days are always great right... Well, not when the income between me and my person barely equals out to the bills that the two of us have to pay on a monthly basis. It seems it is gone before you can blink your eyes. It is so sobering when you are happy and thinking about the groceries you can finally buy and plans to actually go out and do things, and then it hits you that between the two of you... All you are going to be doing is staying in the house and avoiding spending any money because you can't afford anything else! Ugh... Why can't it be easier? Why do some people have to suffer so much and watch others spend so carelessly! I often think... wouldn't it be awesome if everyone who made over a million dollars had to find some person in the country who doesn't, and give them some of their money?!?! I think that would be fantastic! And so many more people would be happy! It just makes me so mad, and makes other things in life so complicated. I guess this is a part of growing up and realizing all of these things that are enevitably part of life.

You know... I am reading through this (something I always do about a million times before I actually put it out there) and I do have to realize and remember that we are in the black. We are happy, we have a roof over our heads, food to eat, work to do, and cars that run. We are happy... the majority of the time, when not arguing with each other :-)... we have a gorgeous little kitty, and families that love us. These are all good things that I try to think of when I get down about our income. I'll keep thinking about that to get me through!

How Amazing!

It is incredible to me that slowly but surely, equal marriage rights are coming around. I look at pictures, and am so happy for those people in Mass., Cali. (even though there are tough times ahead), and now Conn.!!!! It makes me feel like there is at least a little bit of progress in this country.

My babe and I went to a movie yesterday, and saw a preview for a move about George W. I couldn't believe it. It was disgusting to me that someone would want to make a movie about that fool! Needless to say, it made me feel pretty sick.

Since we have gotten engaged a few months ago... I have always kind of thought about where and when I would like to get married. Even considering going to Canada. Now I feel like by the time we are ready to start making plans (still quite a bit down the road), we will have more options to choose from. I am already a Cali lover at heart. I lived there with some family a few years ago and absolutely fell in love with it there. So in my mind, I would have liked to get married there whether it be with her or in any relationship. I'm excited to plan with her or look at wedding magazines and get a few ideas, even though my tastes will probably change come the actual decision making time. But it is still neat to think about the possibilites. And those possibilites seem to be coming around more and more lately!

Congratulations again to everyone in Conn!!!!

Ridiculous!? Or not...

So... is it really sad that I actually feel more reason to write messages or have a even just have a blog now that I know someone out there is hearing me? Or reading me rather...

I know that is probably not the point of a blog at all, but I guess it is nice to know that someone wants to know what I have to say. Or at least is a little amused. Either way... Thanks for reading...

Feeling A Little Better Now

On my day off earlier this week, I decided that it would be a prime time to get some business things done while I have a day off. Primarily, getting my drivers license renewed.

I looked pretty decent I thought. I was just wearing a nice hoodie (one of my favorites) and a pair of jeans. My hair was down, pulled back with a head-band and I had done my face and all that good stuff a little earlier in the day. Totally something that I would wear to work on a casual day.

I got all the business taken care of, and then of course had to deal with getting the picture taken. I wasn't too worried about it because my first drivers license picture didn't turn out too bad. I actually kind of liked it and had quite a few people tell me that they liked it as well. I guess it was one of the better drivers license pictures out there! Anyway... having that in the back of my mind gave me a little bit of confidence going into the picture...

Until... I actually saw the picture that I took. It was hideous. I have never felt more disgusting. Ugh. Even just thinking about it makes me cringe. I'm going to be getting it in the mail in a few days from now and I'm happy to know that it will be smaller in size, but still a little peeved that the picture was so awful. I suppose it is partly my fault, gaining weight, could have worn better clothes... that kind of thing, but I look at some of my other recent pictures, and I definitely don't look that horrible. Maybe it is a law that drivers license pictures must look grotesque. I totally would have talked to the picture lady about taking a new picture, but she definitely didn't seem like that type of employee. More business than anything, so there was no way it was going to happen.

Needless to say, I felt pretty nasty the last couple days. You know how things like that really get you down... just a stupid little picture ruins your mood for days...

Until... one of my co-workers told me about a comment that our new employee had made after I had left her place of work. My co-worker said the new staff had commented on how "incredibly beautiful" I am. Talk about being blown away. Talk about exactly what I needed at that point in time. Talk about feeling a little better about myself after that.

I realize that there are things that I need to do to better myself, or to take care of myself better, but even a little boost like that is something that is great for the self-confidence. And definitely something to push me in the right direction.

Our Little Girl

Isn't she beautiful! :-) We love her!

Laying in Bed

I took the day off today. And yesterday too... but yesterday my doll and I had to go to Chicago for an appointment, so the morning came early, and the driving took over the day. We got home fairly early, but we went right to bed. I've never understood how you get so tired from driving... but either way, it was nice to lay in bed. Something that we always enjoy! :-)



The morning is here again, and it is definitely nice to just lay here, relatively no obligations for the day, TV on to watch some morning shows, me about to get some chai tea (my favorite, outside of coffee or hot cider) and listen to my doll sleep. Our little girl (kitty) is the best in the morning. She loves to cuddle and purr right next to us. It is one of those mornings when you are glad to be in bed. I look and see the cooling autumn breeze blowing the tree right outside my window and I am happy that I am laying in bed with my two girls, warmed by her body (legs tangled with mine) and all the blankets. These are really the mornings and days that I love.



One only problem lingers... Work. I try to push it out of my head, but still feel pulled in by the obligations. I really feel like I can't completely separate myself sometimes. I always feel like I am losing time, missing something, not getting things done because I decided to take a day for myself to spend it with my doll. I need to not feel like this. I should feel good. In bliss. The feeling I have usually goes away, and I'm sure it will today, just the same. I think it is probably just because it is the morning, and I am not getting ready to bust my brain for the day due to splitting myself into a million different pieces to get things done like I usually have to do.



I think I will get my chai, make some breakfast to fill my tummy, and respond to the cuddling the my person is showing me right now. It will be a good day... :-)

Frustrated

So, I woke up like normal, waiting to feel out what my mood is going to be for the day. You know how it never happens right away, but you usually wait for the first stub of the toe or spill of the coffee on your white shirt, or if it is a good day, the shirt that you thought was dirty actually hanging nicely on the hanger in your closet, or you don't run into any traffic at all on the way to work. I guess for me the traffic thing really isn't that big of a deal as my hours are very flexible (which is awesome)... but that really isn't the point here.

I get to work and go through the normal hello's, how was your night? My work environment is really great! Very relaxed, comfortable, lots of chatting and a great friendly atmosphere. At least that is how it comes off to most people, or newbies, like I was almost a year ago. I think that is where my frustration started today. I think there is a lot of genuine, good feelings that come from my work environment, but no work environment is perfect is it? There are a lot of demanding personalities in my work environment and that always makes for a long and frustrating day. I usually try to keep quiet, or stay in my office to get my work done... but sometimes it is hard. After getting to work today, I finally felt out what my day was going to be like. You know when you feel off, or out of it, but you can't really put a finger on why... well that was my day.

So I got through work fine... some of the demanding personalities were out of the office today... but still can't shake that feeling. I get home from work, girlfriend is tired and out of it (she is usually that way in the later afternoon per her combination of work hours and meds) and starts waking up as she walks out the door for her night classes. So I'm sitting here... trying to figure out what to do for the night by myself. I play with our cat a little bit, fall asleep for a little cat nap, wake up and have a horrible dinner (I don't even know that I should admit that it was a little potato salad and cereal) and in feeling gross about my day and dinner decision, I decide that I haven't been to the gym in a couple of weeks and the pounds that I really would like to lose for the wedding that I am standing up in come August, are still safely sitting in my mid-section and thighs. The point here, and my main frustration right now is that I have a gym membership that I so rarely use. I have the ability to do this, but I find every excuse not to. My excuse tonight for still sitting on my butt is that my girlfriend took my car to class and my gym membership pass is safely attached to the key ring along with my car keys. Not so smart when I decide last minute that I would like to go to the gym. I'm sure I could have gone and signed in some other way, but instead I decided to go online to try and find an alternate method of holding myself accountable.

Here is my final frustration for the night that led me to find an outlet. I went online and created an account with a free weight loss program. It has lots of information. It will set up an excersize program for you, give you a specific daily meal plan, it will track the amount of water that you drink each day, it will track your weight on a daily basis if you want to. I got to this website, signed on, started looking around and became so overwhelmed by all of the information and stuff that I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

My outlet: I don't know why, but I needed a journal. I knew about these online blogging sites, so I figured what the hell. Here I am. Writing about my bad day. Wondering who is going to read this or who is going to comment (if people can even do that). Will my girlfriend read about this, my parents, co-workers? I feel kind of free right now because of the anonomity. I have a Myspace page, and a Facebook page, and everyone knows who I am. I want to get out my feelings, and have no one know. I think this is the first time today that I have actually felt pretty good. Maybe someone will care about this, maybe not, but it is out there, and I guess that is better than in here.