Frustrated

So, I woke up like normal, waiting to feel out what my mood is going to be for the day. You know how it never happens right away, but you usually wait for the first stub of the toe or spill of the coffee on your white shirt, or if it is a good day, the shirt that you thought was dirty actually hanging nicely on the hanger in your closet, or you don't run into any traffic at all on the way to work. I guess for me the traffic thing really isn't that big of a deal as my hours are very flexible (which is awesome)... but that really isn't the point here.

I get to work and go through the normal hello's, how was your night? My work environment is really great! Very relaxed, comfortable, lots of chatting and a great friendly atmosphere. At least that is how it comes off to most people, or newbies, like I was almost a year ago. I think that is where my frustration started today. I think there is a lot of genuine, good feelings that come from my work environment, but no work environment is perfect is it? There are a lot of demanding personalities in my work environment and that always makes for a long and frustrating day. I usually try to keep quiet, or stay in my office to get my work done... but sometimes it is hard. After getting to work today, I finally felt out what my day was going to be like. You know when you feel off, or out of it, but you can't really put a finger on why... well that was my day.

So I got through work fine... some of the demanding personalities were out of the office today... but still can't shake that feeling. I get home from work, girlfriend is tired and out of it (she is usually that way in the later afternoon per her combination of work hours and meds) and starts waking up as she walks out the door for her night classes. So I'm sitting here... trying to figure out what to do for the night by myself. I play with our cat a little bit, fall asleep for a little cat nap, wake up and have a horrible dinner (I don't even know that I should admit that it was a little potato salad and cereal) and in feeling gross about my day and dinner decision, I decide that I haven't been to the gym in a couple of weeks and the pounds that I really would like to lose for the wedding that I am standing up in come August, are still safely sitting in my mid-section and thighs. The point here, and my main frustration right now is that I have a gym membership that I so rarely use. I have the ability to do this, but I find every excuse not to. My excuse tonight for still sitting on my butt is that my girlfriend took my car to class and my gym membership pass is safely attached to the key ring along with my car keys. Not so smart when I decide last minute that I would like to go to the gym. I'm sure I could have gone and signed in some other way, but instead I decided to go online to try and find an alternate method of holding myself accountable.

Here is my final frustration for the night that led me to find an outlet. I went online and created an account with a free weight loss program. It has lots of information. It will set up an excersize program for you, give you a specific daily meal plan, it will track the amount of water that you drink each day, it will track your weight on a daily basis if you want to. I got to this website, signed on, started looking around and became so overwhelmed by all of the information and stuff that I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

My outlet: I don't know why, but I needed a journal. I knew about these online blogging sites, so I figured what the hell. Here I am. Writing about my bad day. Wondering who is going to read this or who is going to comment (if people can even do that). Will my girlfriend read about this, my parents, co-workers? I feel kind of free right now because of the anonomity. I have a Myspace page, and a Facebook page, and everyone knows who I am. I want to get out my feelings, and have no one know. I think this is the first time today that I have actually felt pretty good. Maybe someone will care about this, maybe not, but it is out there, and I guess that is better than in here.